Conflicting Conflicts

Dear, you might ask me why, i'm not going to tell you directly... But I'm posting it here, i know you do read my blog anyway... I just can't say it to you at that moment at that time.

I felt so sad that you are going back to Vietnam, i know i will miss you a lot, but i do understand your home sickness, that's why i encouraged you to go back. But deep down inside me, i'm actually really begging you to stay... Nonetheless, i understand, please do go back and enjoy yourself, cure your home sickness before you take on the finals, at least trust me on this one, i believe you won't do as well if you are suffering from home sickness.

I know i might have gave up some chances or might have even hurt you, made you sad or something tonight (or rather this early morning), i don't really mean to. You can't imagine how happy i am when you said you missed me, but somewhere deep inside me just tell me it can't be possible, why would you even miss me at all when we meet up so often? That's why i raised my doubts and you know i never lied to you and always say things straight forward directly. About the trip, i just don't want you to stay because you feel obliged with the promise towards me. I will feel so guilty about it if it is the reason that you don't want to go back to Vietnam as early.

I know i said i won't want to see you again until at least school restarts, but it is such a struggle to decide to say that to you. Deep down inside, i can tell you honestly i miss you so much every minute, and i can't imagine how much i will miss you when you go back to Vietnam. I'm just trying to see how i can cope without seeing you for a week, and i do realized that it will be such a torture, tell me dear, how am i going to cope without seeing you for 4 months?

Why am i always making you sleepy and home sicked? Maybe i shouldn't be appearing in your life at all? I'm so sorry, i will try to make myself go away, I'm not standing i know, but i will just make myself go away. I'm sorry if i will appear cold to you, if i will not answer your call, if i will not want to meet you. Please understand that it is my way to distance myself from you, i believe i have caused enough discomfort, enough trouble, enough headache for you already. Even though my heart will bleed so painfully, tell me if I'm doing the right thing? I really want your opinion on this, but i just can't seem to put it to you directly.

And do you still remember that time we went to the temple at Chinatown? If you are able to obtain what i wrote down in that charm, please find the effort to translate it once I'm out of your life. This is the least i can demand of you to do, as a last selfish effort.